The Great Human Delusion: All Parents Love Their Children
TRANSCEND MEMBERS, 7 Jul 2014
Robert J. Burrowes, Ph.D. – TRANSCEND Media Service
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, there is a widespread belief that all parents love their children. This is not so. Many parents are so badly emotionally damaged as a result of their own childhood experience that they are not capable of loving their children. Moreover, the fear, self-hatred and powerlessness that characterise most humans mean that parental violence against children is chronic even if one or both parents are capable of love.
Evolution’s great trick was to connect reproduction with intense but transitory sexual pleasure, not love. Couples may engage in sex as a result of love for each other and possibly the desire to create and care for a child. But many children are conceived outside the loving long-term relationship necessary to nurture a child and even those children who are conceived within this framework will routinely suffer parental violence. And without genuine communities, as occurs in tribal situations, modern nuclear families leave children isolated from the readily available emotional support options that a more closeknit community would offer.
Visible parental violence against children is a deep social problem, constituting a substantial proportion of the cases of domestic violence reported to state authorities. And cases of domestic violence are the main, or one of the main, forms of criminal violence in all police districts. In extreme cases, such as those in which children are forced into sexual slavery, bonded labour or military service, parents are often responsible for selling the child to improve their own material circumstances. (See David Batstone, Not for Sale: The Return of the Global Slave Trade – and How We Can Fight It. New York: HarperOne, 2007.)
Unfortunately, these extreme cases should not be used to obscure the foundations on which they are based: the behaviour of many ordinary parents who, because of the damage they themselves suffered during their own childhood, might have children for reasons other than love – for example, a prospective mother might simply be trying to avoid or defer undesirable employment; a prospective father might be trying to create an acolyte who feeds the gaping hole in his own sense of self-worth – and even if this is not the case, all parents still inflict what I have called ‘invisible’ and ‘utterly invisible’ violence on each of their children throughout their childhood. See ‘Why Violence?’ http://tinyurl.com/whyviolence and ‘Fearless Psychology and Fearful Psychology: Principles and Practice’ http://anitamckone.wordpress.com/articles-2/fearless-and-fearful-psychology/
One driving social force in this horror equation is the imperative to obey conventions, commands, rules and the law, and few parents have sufficient sense of Self to resist this imperative in defence of their child. This is why virtually all Western children (and many others), for example, are imprisoned and enslaved in school with active parental cooperation. The True Self of any individual cannot be nurtured under a relentless regime of submission to the will of others whether parent, teacher or other controlling adult.
The Problem of Obedience
One central problem of terrorising individuals into obedience of conventions, commands, rules and the law is that once the individual has been so terrorised, it is virtually impossible for them to change their behaviour because they are now terrified of doing so. If the obedient behaviours were functional in the circumstances then, apart from the obviously enormous damage suffered by the individual, there would be no other adverse social or environmental consequences. Unfortunately, when all humans have been terrorised into behaving dysfunctionally on a routine basis (in the Western context, for example, by engaging in over-consumption) then changing their behaviour, even in the direction of functionality, is now unconsciously associated with the fear of violence (in the form of punishment) and so desirable behavioural change (in the direction of reduced consumption, for example) is much more difficult.
To reiterate: if all individuals are terrorised into obedience of conventions, commands, rules and laws, then even when a convention, command, rule or law is utterly dysfunctional, few individuals will have the capacity to identify, let alone resist, the dysfunctionality precisely because the fear of being subjected to violence (punishment) obliterates both of these capacities.
The fear associated with behavioural change is a key reason why it will be difficult to eliminate human violence and to prevent human extinction. We are, to a large extent, terrifiedly locked into the behaviours that both drive violence and the rush to extinction.
Children as Legitimised Victims
In the words of Anita McKone: ‘Violence against legitimised victims is invisible.’ And who are ‘legitimised victims’? Depending on the cultural context, it is the peoples of Africa, Asia and Central/South America, indigenous peoples, women, workers, non-white peoples, military personnel, ‘criminals’, ‘enemies’, non-human species and natural systems of the Earth itself. But, in all cultural contexts, all over the world and all throughout human history, legitimised victims always and pre-eminently includes children (and that means you).
According to Anita: ‘Violence against legitimised victims is always presented by the perpetrator as necessary, reasonable and caused by the victim. The victim may be portrayed as causing the violence against it in one of three ways: 1. The victim is portrayed as intrinsically wrong, dangerous or dysfunctional, and needing to be controlled with emotional or physical force; 2. The victim is portrayed as deliberately behaving badly and deserving vengeful punishment; or 3. The victim’s inherent weaknesses are portrayed as justification for its exploitation – the victim is seen as a “natural victim” whose feelings, needs and contributions (as an individual or as a species) do not need to be taken into account.’
Can a Child be Naughty?
No child is ever ‘naughty’. Indeed, it is not possible for a child to be ‘naughty’. ‘Naughty’ is a delusionary concept. The child at birth is genetically programmed to seek to meet their own needs and they will go about doing this with intelligence and increasing Self-awareness if allowed to do so. The child is also genetically programmed to expect parental and other adult assistance (primarily by providing a loving and safe environment) with which to do this. And they are genetically programmed to have feelings of fear, pain, anger, sadness and others so that they can recover from incidents in which their efforts fail, or in which the violent or unintentional interference of others make it fail, and to determinedly keep trying until they succeed. This is how a child learns to walk, for example.
Many adults equate ‘naughty’ with ‘disobedient’, without questioning the functionality of obedience. A child is genetically programmed to seek to meet their own needs, not obey the will of another. And in some cases, forcing the child to be obedient will simply generate an equally dysfunctional compulsion to disobey (thus making the prospects of mutually beneficial cooperation even bleaker).
However, there is a deeper dimension to the problem of ‘naughtiness’ than this. Because virtually all adults have been so dysfunctionalised by violence, most now believe that chronic and compulsive interference in the natural development of the child, and particularly in the expression of their feelings, is ‘normal’. Why? Because this violent interference is regarded as necessary to ‘socialise’ the child in the ways of its society. But the outcome is disastrous and tragic: this violent interference makes it impossible for any child to become properly functional (which does not include being obedient) let alone to realise their genetic potential for consciousness (or Self-realisation).
Conclusion
Our world is in trouble. We fight wars, impose exploitative economic relationships on many people and destroy our environment, among many other manifestations of violence. Fundamentally, these problems are all outcomes of our greatest delusion: that we humans love our children. If we are to effectively tackle all of our other problems, then we must include in our strategy learning how to love our children genuinely. Or all of our other efforts will ultimately be in vain.
If you wish to publicly declare yourself to be a part of this effort, you are welcome to join the worldwide movement to end all violence by signing the online pledge of ‘The People’s Charter to Create a Nonviolent World’ http://thepeoplesnonviolencecharter.wordpress.com
If you love your child, then listen to their feelings and let them do what these feelings tell them. That is what evolution intended. It had a few billion years to work it out.
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Robert Burrowes, Ph.D. is a member of the TRANSCEND Network for Peace, Development and Environment and has a lifetime commitment to understanding and ending human violence. He has done extensive research since 1966 in an effort to understand why human beings are violent and has been a nonviolent activist since 1981. He is the author of ‘Why Violence?‘ http://tinyurl.com/whyviolence. Websites: http://thepeoplesnonviolencecharter.wordpress.com (Charter) http://tinyurl.com/flametree (Flame Tree Project) http://anitamckone.wordpress.com (Songs of Nonviolence) http://robertjburrowes.wordpress.com
Email: flametree@riseup.net
This article originally appeared on Transcend Media Service (TMS) on 7 Jul 2014.
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The above article, “The Great Human Delusion: All Parents Love Their Children”, hits the head on the nail of the problem of child abuse. It is somewhat a big surprise in the positive sense that the TMS website publishes such article.
Child abuse is a rather hidden and serious problem. Few peacemakers, peace workers or peace activists dare to discuss it. The average peacemakers, peace workers or peace activists discuss and tackle issues like military-industrial complex, weapons, war, international conflict resolution/settlement/transformation, human rights issues in relation to relevant authorities and/or in any other political context, humanitarian assistance, structural violence in the given economic or social structure, or something like that. They rarely discuss “problems on child abuse by parents”.
It seems that they consider that child abuse problems are rather private/personal problems, not as a part of problems of “peace” in the broadest sense. As the result, for example, neither peace studies college textbook such as “Peace and Conflict Studies”, Third Edition (2014), by David P. Barash and Charles P. Webel, nor peace studies reference book such as “Handbook of Peace and Conflict Studies”, (2007), edited by Charles Webel and Johan Galtung, discusses child abuse problems. As such, as far as I remember, Dr. Robert J. Burrowes’ article above is the first article on the child abuse issue for me to read on the TMS website, a website that is prepared for “peace”.
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It is a serious surprise to know that a large percentage of parents abuse their children in their everyday lives. It is also a serious surprise to know how a large percentage of people still believe that all parents, without an exception, love their children. Besides, almost all children are taught that their parents love them. However, children are aware whether their parents really love them or not. Almost all children are taught that they should be obedient to their parents. However, children are aware that such teaching is nothing but a justification or a cover-up for their parents’ daily abuse of the children.
Open any page of educational book for children. These books are filled with stories of warm and kind parents and/or of beautiful families. Almost none of these books for children discuss child abuse issues. Not to mention, none of them provides children with wisdom for dealing with their parents’ abuse to them. Watch any educational TV program for children. The same thing can be said of. Abused children are desperate. Children feel that they are surrounded by abusing parents and “educational teachings” to justify or to cover-up child abuse by parents.
Child abuse as a human rights problem begins at home, but, it seems, few peacemakers, peace workers or peace activists are aware of it. Unlike other human rights abuses, child abuse cases can hardly be identified in the conventional political context. While peacemakers, peace workers or peace activists are tackling peace related problems (including military-industrial complex, weapons, war, international conflict resolution/settlement/transformation, human rights issues in relation to relevant authorities and/or in any other political context, and more, as mentioned above) outside their home, child abuse problems are quietly being deteriorated somewhere at someone’s home.
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There is a website, entitled, “Why Parents Abuse”. (Visit: childabuse-ja.com.tripod.com/why.html ) Allow me to quote some words from that website, for reference and information for the TMS readers, as follows:
Quote:
Parents and caregivers who abuse their children, do not usually do so in a vacuum. There are normally some personal or situational factors that drive them to abuse the children who are in their care. Below are some of the reasons why parents/caregivers abuse their children.
• They were abused or deprived as children
• Lack of parenting knowledge
• Expecting too much from children, and not understanding the developmental stages and needs of children
• Financial problems and unemployment, which create frustration and stress, which are then transmitted to the child
• Insecurity and immaturity, particularly among teenaged parents
• Alcohol or drug problems, or other forms of addiction, such as gambling
• Inability to manage children single handedly in the case of single parents
• Their self-image is defective
• They see physical punishment as a means of disciplining child
Unquote:
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Recently I happened to find a book, entitled, “Thank Your Wicked Parents – Blessings from a Difficult Childhood”, written by Richard Bach, published by Rainbow Ridge Books, Virginia, USA, (2012). Bach is well known as the author of several bestselling books, including “Jonathan Livingstone”, “Illusions”, “Messiah’s Handbook” and more. I was surprised to know that he wrote a book about “child abuse by parents”.
The words in the dedication of this book are written like this:
“To the Wicked Parents upon whom this house has fallen, knowing you’ll find the blessing from everything that’s gone to pieces.”
Perhaps, this dedication is addressed to Bach’s parents.
In the Forward of that book, Bach writes:
“Even when we’ve been helpless children at the mercy of parents who haven’t a trace of caring for us, who lash us over and over again with abuse and humiliation, they’re lashing us with lessons they don’t imagine. Who decides our disaster’s a blessing? We do. Who proves that’s true? Us. It’s ever been so—we can let injustice destroy us, become victims of our tests, or we can determine not to let that happen. Ever.”
The rest of all the pages (but no page numbers throughout this book), after the Forward, of the book are filled with words of “thank you” to the parents who have abused their children. Let me cite ten “thank you” verses from this neatly designed pocket-size book as follows:
“Thank you for hating me, so that I could love who I am, and who I’m yet to be.”
“Thank you for abusing and assaulting me when I was helpless, to teach me that I cannot be destroyed, and that I can forgive the unforgivable.”
“Thank you for trying to kill me, so that I survive, and never wish violence on another.”
“Thank you for treating me like dirt, so that I could learn that I’m diamonds.”
“Thank you for despising my talent, so that I could develop it the way I wanted to all along.”
“Thank you for making my life miserable, to show me that I allow my miseries and create my joys.”
“Thank you for being the person I never want to be, for making it easy for me to become your opposite.”
“Thank you for calling me liar when I told the truth, so that I would cease to care what others say.”
“Thank you for rejecting my spouse and children, so that I shall the more protect and care for them.”
“Thank you for dying of drugs and alcohol, so I could see self-destroying isn’t as cool as you said.”
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“The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (1989)” is an international treaty that the State Parties shall ensure to protect the rights of the child. The very core norm, among 54 Articles, of this Convention is stipulated in Article 3 paragraph 1: ”In all actions concerning children, whether undertaken by public or private social welfare institutions, courts of law, administrative authorities or legislative bodies, the best interest of the child shall be a primary consideration.”
There are three optional protocols to the Convention; the first protocol is the “Optional Protocol on the Involvement of Children in Armed Conflicts (2000)” and the second protocol is the “Optional Protocol on the Sale of Children, Child Prostitution and Child Pornography” (2000), and the third one is “the Optional Protocol on a Communication Procedure (2011)”. All these optional protocols are essential to implement the Convention of the Rights of the Child.
However, how to protect children from their parents’ abuse by these international treaties, for instance? It is a very difficult question because the child abuse, unlike problems on the child soldiers for example, can hardly be identified from the outsider’s view-point unless, for example, an incident of life or death of a child occurs and/or the neighbors hear the child’s screaming for help. It is very often that the child abuse is built-into the part of the daily life of the child; the child abuse is a series of serious and daily harassments to the child. On top of that, as mentioned in the beginning of this comment, it is very often, if not necessarily always, that child abuse issues are hidden in the darkness in the normal-looking home. Ask any government official, any lawyer or any social worker in charge of child abuse problems, about how to apply the Convention on the Right of the Child and the Optional Protocols (through pertinent national law(s), prepared for the implementation of the Convention and Protocols) to child abuse cases. It is a down-to-earth question, not simply a conceptual legal, social or academic question. What would they respond to it?
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Dr. Burrowes, the author of the above article, is making very important remarks on the child abuse issue in the conclusion of his article. His words are worth enough to be quoted here in this comment as well:
“We fight wars, impose exploitative economic relationships on many people and destroy our environment, among many other manifestations of violence. Fundamentally, these problems are all outcomes of our greatest delusion: that we humans love our children. If we are to effectively tackle all of our other problems, then we must include in our strategy learning how to love our children genuinely. Or all of our other efforts will ultimately be in vain.”
Lastly but not least, I appreciate the TMS editor’s eye of selecting valuable articles for the TMS website.