Articles by Andy Borowitz
We found 31 results.
Trump Offers Freed ISIS Fighters a Group Rate at Trump Doral Miami Resort
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
21 Oct 2019
18 Oct 2019 — Calling it a “once-in-a-lifetime incredible deal,” Donald Trump today offered recently-escaped ISIS fighters a group rate at his Trump National Doral Miami Resort.
→ read full articleScientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
25 Mar 2019
Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening life on Earth. The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.
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Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
5 Nov 2018
Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening life on Earth. The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.
→ read full articleWhite House Rejects Supremacist Label: “No One Has Done More than Trump to Prove White People Are Not Superior”
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
24 Sep 2018
“It’s grossly unfair that Ms. Hill sought to portray Donald Trump as an upholder of white supremacy, when everything he says or does directly undermines that whole concept,” White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “Anyone who thinks that Donald Trump is on some mission to make white people look good hasn’t been paying attention.”
→ read full articleTrump Considering Pulling U.S. Out of Constitution
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
20 Jun 2018
“I’ve seen a lot of bad deals in my life, but this Constitution is a total mess,” Trump said. “We need to tear it up and start over.” He also called the First Amendment “something that really has to go. No one in his right mind would put something like that in a Constitution. Russia doesn’t have it. North Korea doesn’t have it. All the best countries don’t have it. But we’re going to keep the Second Amendment,” he said, “and definitely the Fifth.”
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N.R.A. Proposes Having Second Armed Teacher in Every Classroom to Stop First Armed Teacher from Misfiring
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
19 Mar 2018
“The only thing that stops a bad teacher with a gun is a good teacher with a gun,” Wayne LaPierre said.
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“Fox & Friends” Putting Finishing Touches on Trump’s State of the Union Address
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
5 Feb 2018
Trump reportedly has had input on the speech text from other sources, including the Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, the conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, and several neo-Nazi Twitter accounts.
→ read full articleTillerson Caught Under Trump’s Desk Disconnecting Button
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
8 Jan 2018
3 Jan 2018 – Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was caught crouching under Donald J. Trump’s Oval Office desk on Wednesday, in an attempt to disconnect Trump’s newly installed nuclear button. The button, reportedly measuring a massive eight inches in diameter, has been a subject of considerable alarm for Trump’s national-security team.
→ read full articleWhite House Rejects Supremacist Label: “No One Has Done More than Trump to Prove White People Are Not Superior”
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
25 Sep 2017
“It’s grossly unfair that Ms. Hill sought to portray Donald Trump as an upholder of white supremacy, when everything he says or does directly undermines that whole concept,” Sanders said. “Anyone who thinks that Donald Trump is on some mission to make white people look good hasn’t been paying attention.”
→ read full articleNation Favors Travel Ban on Person Who Has Recently Visited Muslim Country
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
22 May 2017
A broad majority of poll respondents said that if such a person were to remain outside the borders of the U.S. forever, they would “sleep better at night.”
→ read full articleJared Kushner Calls Kim Jong-un “Totally Unqualified Person” Who Got Job only through Nepotism
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
24 Apr 2017
“Here you have a guy who has no government experience, and he’s in charge of the whole thing,” Kushner said, in an interview with Fox News. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.”
→ read full articleQueen Offers to Restore British Rule Over United States
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
31 Oct 2016
In an unexpected televised address on Saturday [29 Oct 2016], Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America. Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”
→ read full articleBritish Lose Right to Claim That Americans Are Dumber
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
27 Jun 2016
Luxuriating in the superiority of their intellect over Americans’ has long been a favorite pastime in Britain, surpassing in popularity such games as cricket, darts, and snooker. But, according to a pub owner in North London, British voters have done irreparable damage to the “most enjoyable sport this nation has ever known: namely, treating Americans like idiots. But I hold out hope that, come November, Americans could become dumber than us once more.”
→ read full articleTrump’s Plan to Randomly Shoot People Lacks Details, Random Shooters Say
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
25 Jan 2016
“To anyone in the random-shooting world, Trump’s plan fails on so many levels,” a leader of the nation’s random shooters commented.
→ read full articleGeorge W. Bush Enjoying New Status as Smarter Bush
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
12 Oct 2015
Speaking to reporters at his home in Dallas, Bush said he was deriving “quiet satisfaction” from a new poll showing that ninety-one per cent of the American people now consider him the smarter Bush.
→ read full articleScientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
18 May 2015
The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.
→ read full articleIran Offers to Mediate Talks between Republicans and Obama
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
16 Mar 2015
Stating that “their continuing hostilities are a threat to world peace,” Iran has offered to mediate talks between congressional Republicans and President Obama.
→ read full articleCitigroup to Move Headquarters to U.S. Capitol Building
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
15 Dec 2014
13 Dec 2014 – Tracy Klugian, a spokesperson for Citi, said that the company had leased thirty thousand square feet of prime real estate on the floor of the House of Representatives and would be interviewing “world-class architects” to redesign the space to suit its needs.
→ read full articleCheney Calls for International Ban on Torture Reports
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
15 Dec 2014
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney on Tuesday [9 Dec 2014] called upon the nations of the world to “once and for all ban the despicable and heinous practice of publishing torture reports. This is not who we are, ” Cheney said.
→ read full articleG20 Ends Abruptly as Obama Calls Putin a Jackass
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
17 Nov 2014
Hopes for a positive G20 summit crumbled today as President Obama blurted to Russia’s Vladimir Putin at a joint press appearance, “Everyone here thinks you’re a jackass.”
→ read full articleSome Fear Ebola Outbreak Could Make Nation Turn to Science
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
20 Oct 2014
“It’s a very human reaction. If you put them under enough stress, perfectly rational people will panic and start believing in science.” Additionally, he worries about a “slippery slope” situation, “in which a belief in science leads to a belief in math, which in turn fosters a dangerous dependence on facts.”
→ read full articleGrowing Pressure on Obama to Do Something Stupid
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
8 Sep 2014
“Instead of reacting to these events with the haste and recklessness they deserve, the President has chosen to waste valuable time thinking Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) said. “This goes against the most fundamental principles of American foreign policy.”
→ read full articleNation Debates Extremely Complex Issue of Children Firing Military Weapons
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
1 Sep 2014
Much like the long-running national debates about jumping off a roof, licking electrical sockets, and gargling with thumbtacks, the vexing question of whether children should fire military weapons does not appear headed for a swift resolution.
→ read full articleFleeing Iraqis Relieved That Cheney Has No Regrets about War
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
21 Jul 2014
Just days after former Vice-President Dick Cheney said that he had no regrets about the invasion of Iraq, people fleeing their homes across that war-torn nation expressed tremendous relief that he was at peace with his decision.
→ read full articlePolar Bears, Grizzlies to Merge
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
24 Feb 2014
Speaking at a packed press conference in New York accompanied by their investment bankers from Goldman Sachs, the jubilant bears gave their spin on the unprecedented deal. “For years, we’ve admired the way polar bears have dismembered hikers who’ve encroached on their territory. To be on the same team with talent like that—whoa. It’s a dream come true,” said a spokesman for the grizzlies. The merger is not expected to face regulatory hurdles.
→ read full articleFOX: Obama to Force All Americans to Buy Pot
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
3 Feb 2014
President Obama is about to issue an executive order that would force all Americans to purchase a monthly supply of marijuana, the Fox News Channel reported today.
→ read full articleKim Jong-un: Bieber Just a Few Arrests from Being My Friend
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
27 Jan 2014
The mercurial Kim said that he would seek Mr. Bieber’s aid in boosting North Korea’s slumping pop-music industry, which has failed to generate any hits comparable to South Korea’s ‘Gangnam Style.’ “Justin Bieber could be our Minister of Culture,” he said.
→ read full articlePolar Vortex Causes Hundreds of Injuries as People Making Snide Remarks about Climate Change Are Punched in Face
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
13 Jan 2014
Authorities in several states said that residents who had made ignorant comments erroneously citing the brutally cold temperatures as proof that climate change did not exist were reporting a sharp increase in injuries to the face and head regions.
→ read full articleN.S.A. Promises to Stop Getting Caught Spying on Allies
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
4 Nov 2013
“There are two important jobs for every spy agency: spying on people and avoiding detection,” said the N.S.A. chief General Keith Alexander. “Unfortunately, at the N.S.A. we have only done the first job well. We have abused the trust of some of our closest allies,” he said. “And none of this would have happened if they hadn’t found out.”
→ read full articleScalia Forms Search Committee for New Pope
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
23 Sep 2013
Justice Scalia said he had “no other alternative” but to pick a new Pope himself after reading what he called a “disturbing” interview with Pope Francis today [19 Sep 2013]: “The Pope said he doesn’t want to speak out against abortion and gay marriage. Well, sorry, my friend, but that’s the entire job description. You should have thought of that before you let them blow that white smoke in Rome.”
→ read full article[Political Satire] U.S. Promises Smooth Transfer of Quagmire from Afghanistan to Syria
Andy Borowitz – The New Yorker,
24 Jun 2013
Supporters of the US twelve-year quagmire in Afghanistan cheered the news that the U.S. would strive to achieve a seamless transfer of that quagmire to Syria, effective immediately. “I can tell you, right here and right now, that the U.S. is every bit as determined to engage in an ill-defined, ill-advised and seemingly interminable mission in Syria as we were in Afghanistan,” Gen. Dempsey said. “All that’s changing is the Zip Code.”
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